Imagine that you have missed a deadline for providing a report to a coworker. You run into her in the hallway and she asks, "Hey, where's that report you were supposed to submit last Friday? You are holding up the whole project!"
How would you feel? What would you say or do?
Now, imagine the same situation, except this time when you run into your coworker she says, "Hey, I am getting backed up and feeling a little stressed because I don't have that report yet."
How would you feel in this case? Would you react differently?
According to the accepted lore of interpersonal communication, someone who hears the first coworker statement is more likely to feel defensive and resentful. He or she is likely to feel unfairly blamed and therefore is unlikely to cooperate with the coworker. In contrast, someone who hears the second coworker statement is more likely to feel some embarrassment but is more likely to apologize and make amends by promising to get the report to the coworker as soon as possible. Or at least so says the Conflict Research Consortium at the University of Colorado.
So, what is the difference? In both cases, the coworker points out that the report is late and that this is causing problems. The difference is that in the first scenario the coworker is using what communication experts call "You-Statements" or "You-Messages." You-Statements are phrases that begin with the pronoun "you" and imply that the listener is personally responsible for something: ". . . [the] report you were supposed to submit ..."; "You are holding up the whole project."
In the second scenario, the coworker uses what are called "I-Statements" or "I-Messages," which, though the use of the pronoun "I," attribute responsibility to the speaker: "I am getting backed up and feeling a little stressed ... I don't have that report yet."
Did the choice of pronouns make a difference in your own reactions? Does the use of You-Statements or I-Statements make that much of a difference in how people react to bad news?
Personally, I understand the logic behind the claim that the use of You-Statements might communicate an accusatory tone and I-Statements might demonstrate a willingness to take responsibility for one's own perceptions and feelings. Also, I have read about the different consequences of using You-Statements and I-Statements so many times in my career that I recognize it as a verity in the field of interpersonal communication, and I teach my positive psychology students about You- and I-Statements every semester.
Still, I wonder. In real life, my own emotional reactions to the two kinds of statements are not that different. When my wife (a psychologist well-versed in these principles) tells me, "I felt [insert a negative feeling] when [yours truly did something she didn't like]," I feel largely responsible for her bad feelings, no matter how many "I"s she uses and whether she avoids the pronoun "you" altogether. Even though my trained psychological mind tells me, "She is using I-statements and taking responsibility for the way she feels—she is not blaming me," I still feel I am to blame. The way I look at it, if I hadn't done whatever it was she did not like, she wouldn't be feeling bad.
But, hey, maybe that's just neurotic me, being too sensitive, taking things personally. I should know better.
Or ...
Maybe I am not that unusual. Perhaps the consequences of You-Statements and I-Statements are not that different. I decided to do a little research, searching for evidence that You- and I-Statements do create different emotional and behavioral reactions in the listener. I was able to trace the history of these statements back to Carl Rogers, who is famous for advocating non-directive therapy. Instead of attempting to influence a client, a non-directive therapist aims to create a safe space in counseling sessions for clients to express themselves, to increase their self-awareness, and to choose their own course of personal growth. This is accomplished by using reflective listening, modeling self-disclosure, and demonstrating empathy and unconditional positive regard for the client.
One of Carl Rogers' students, Thomas Gordon, was intrigued by the idea that an authority figure (the therapist) could achieve positive results by giving up power and being non-directive. He had a hunch that other authority figures such as leaders and parents might also achieve positive outcomes by using non-directive methods instead of coercive power. This hunch led to the development of his famous Leadership Effectiveness Training, Parent Effectiveness Training, and Teacher Effectiveness Training programs. Judicious use of I-Statements (Gordon actually coined the term "I-Message" to refer to this concept) is an integral part of these training programs.
As I studied what Gordon and his colleagues wrote about I-Statements, I noticed an interesting paradox. The Gordon model claims that effective I-Statements contain three essential components:
1. A brief, non-blameful description of the behavior you find unacceptable.
2. Your feelings.
3. The tangible and concrete effect of the behavior on you.
Here is one of the examples used to demonstrate the three essential components: 'I feel very upset [feelings] when you’re not here at 8:30 A.M. to answer the phone [behavior] because that means I have to leave my work to cover for you [effect]."
The paradox lies in the assertion that the person using the I-Statement is allegedly not blaming the other person's behavior for his or her unhappiness, but at the same time is saying that the behavior is causing an undesirable, unacceptable effect on the speaker. As I wrote in another article on blame, blaming is the act of claiming that someone's behavior is the cause of my unhappiness. So, despite taking some of the focus off of the other person by saying, "I feel very upset" instead of, "Your tardiness is upsetting me," in the end, the speaker is still blaming the receptionist's tardiness for his or her upset feelings. So, it seems to me that I-Statements with all three essential components cannot be non-blameful.
If an I-Statement were truly non-blameful, it would look more like this: "When I am the only one here and I have to cover the phone, I get really upset. But, hey, that's my problem. I am telling myself that it is a horrible thing to be answering the phone instead of doing other work, but this is just irrational, limiting self-talk. I am "awfulizing"—magnifying the problem beyond all proportion. I need to take responsibility for my own feelings by monitoring and adjusting my self-talk."
If I am sharing my feelings while taking full responsibility for them, I am not blaming the other person for my feelings and not expecting him or her to change in order to make me feel better. But that is not the case with I-Statements; the whole purpose of using I-Statements instead of You-Statements is the premise that they are more likely to get the other person to change his or her behavior! (See Tanya Glaser's comments on "The Power of Vulnerability," especially "[I-statements] can cause the other party to change their behavior by their own choice.") An I-Statement is still meant to manipulate or control the other person's behavior, and the hope that your odds of successfully manipulating the person will be better than if you had used a You-Statement! So all this talk about being self-disclosing and non-directive with I-Statements strikes me as a little disingenuous.
By the way, in Gordon's history of his model, he actually admits that I-Messages can make the other person feel blamed and defensive. At that point, the speaker is supposed to "shift gears" and become more sympathetic to the listener's hurt feelings. And guess what? "It didn’t take long to learn that I-Messages sometimes fail to influence a person to change behavior, even after you have Shifted Gears to Active Listening." Gordon then recommends the six steps used by John Dewey for creative problem-solving. So, not only does the I-Statement fail to prevent the listener from feeling blamed, it also quite often does not achieve its goal of getting the listener to change his or her behavior.
Thomas Gordon was not the only psychologist to attempt to apply Carl Rogers' ideas beyond communication between a therapist and client. Another psychologist, Bernard Guerney, extended Rogers' thinking to couples counseling, where he encouraged couples to choose empathy over blame and to express themselves genuinely and take responsibility for their own feelings through the use of I-Statements toward each other.
Although Bernard Guerney's extension of counselor empathy and genuineness to empathy and genuineness between couples sounds great on the face of it, and despite Guerney's claim that his relationship enhancement methods are backed up by "[a]ward-winning research," some relationship experts have questioned whether the use of I-Statements over You-Statements really makes any difference in marital therapy. In his book, The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy, John M. Gottman writes:
"Rogers' approach inspired Bernard Guerney ... to develop empathy training for couples. Eventually, all the other marital therapies followed his lead. In fact, they expanded this suggestion in creating 'communication skill training components.' But what was the scientific justification for teaching these communication skills? How did they decide that 'I-statements' are better tha[n] 'you-statements'? How was any of it decided?"
Although Gottman himself had followed the overwhelming consensus among psychologists that couples are better off when they speak to each other using I-Statements rather than You-Statements, he began to have some doubts. A major marital study reported in Hahlweg and Jacobson (1984) found that couples who received intensive training in active listening (which includes the use of I-Statements) showed a decrease in negative interaction but no increase in positive interaction. In contrast, couples who received a behavioral treatment showed both a decrease in negative interaction and an increase in positive interaction. Furthermore, couples trained in active listening relapsed back to pre-treatment levels unhappiness eight months later, while couples receiving the behavioral treatment show continued improvement over eight months.
The fundamental problem, as Gottman sees it, is that in therapy the counselor can easily empathize with a client who is complaining about someone else, a third person. It would be a different story if the client complained about the counselor, who might consider this to be resistance and would no longer empathize with the client. In a marriage, says Gottman, the proper place for empathy is "colluding to trash a third party, for which there appears to be no more satisfying way of engendering solidarity and we-ness." But when partners feel hatred toward each other, they find it almost impossible to generate I-Statements. When they are stung by a remark from the other person, they want to sting back. Gottman found that the difference between partners in happy, stable marriages versus unhappy, unstable marriages is that when partners in happy marriages are attacked they respond with an attack of equal magnitude. Partners in unhappy marriages respond by escalating the attack.
Even critics such as Gottman do not recommend against using I-Statements and active listening; they only wish to warn us not to expect profound results. If you want to try to change someone's behavior by blaming the person for your negative feelings, go ahead and use an I-Statement. Just keep in mind that your mileage may vary.
FAQs
Are 'I' Statements Better Than 'You' Statements? ›
Studies have shown that “I-statements” reduce hostility and defensiveness and that “you-statements” can provoke anger. Today it's a commonly accepted fact that the use of “I-statements” in relationships and even at work results in better communication.
What is the difference between I-statements and you statements? ›You-Statements emphasize Blame, I-Statements take responsibility. Starting a sentence with “you” sets the speaker up to focus on the listener's actions rather than their own experience. I-Statements in contrast encourage the speaker to take full responsibility for their feelings and needs.
Why would a manager use I-statements instead of you statements? ›Often in conflict situations, we use “you” statements, which can escalate the conflict by making the listener feel blamed, judged or criticized and which can cause him/her to withdraw or become angry or defensive. I statements, in contrast, are less threatening and send clearer messages than “you” statements.
What is the disadvantage of I-statements? ›The problem occurs when a person is being vulnerable and using “I-statements” in a culture that views it as a weakness or some form of narcissism. Like all things, there is a delicate balance. It can be very narcissistic to always focus on your own feelings without taking stock of how others are feeling.
What is the problem of using you statements? ›MISTAKES TO AVOID WITH THESE STATEMENTS.
Statements like “ I feel that…” or “I feel like…” -these are just hidden 'You' statements. “I feel like you don't spend any time with me”. These statements have the same accusatory effect and do not help in communication.
- “I feel frustrated when I come home and the house is messy.”
- “I feel frustrated when my feelings aren't heard or acknowledged.”
- “I feel worried when I don't hear from you, and I just want to know that you're ok and safe.”
Role of “I” Statements in Communication
An “I” statement can help a person become aware of problematic behavior and generally forces the speaker to take responsibility for his or her own thoughts and feelings rather than attributing them—sometimes falsely or unfairly—to someone else.
You can use “I statements” while still speaking in a blaming and unhelpful manner. Saying “I feel disgusted by you when you drink with your friends” is honest and fits the formula, but probably does not help your partner better understand your emotional experience or feel more connected to you.
What is the difference between an I message and a you message? ›One way to do this is by using statements about yourself and your feelings (called "I-messages" because they start with "I feel" or "I felt"), instead of "you-messages," which start with an accusation, such as, "You did this (bad thing)," or, "You are (another bad thing)."
What are the 5 types of I statements? ›- When you… state the specific action your partner takes.
- I feel… share how you feel inside when your partner did that thing.
- I imagine… try to imagine your partner's perspective. ...
- I need/want… share what the frustrated part of you say that it needs in this situation. ...
- Would you…
What are the disadvantages of IT support? ›
- Expensive when you factor in salary, benefits, training, onboarding, vacation time, overtime, etc.
- One person can't be an expert in every technology, so you may have to hire multiple people or contract an outside provider for certain needs or projects.
- You will have to direct and manage another employee or team.
The opposite of the “I” – statement is the “You” – statement. “You” – statements are inherently judgmental. They feel like an accusation (and usually are). A “You” – statement is your opinion of the other person.
What are the 5 disadvantages of information technology? ›- Unemployment. As technology has advanced, it has significantly increased unemployment. ...
- Data security. ...
- People are easily distracted. ...
- Health concerns. ...
- People are exposed to undesirable content.
Ask open-ended questions: Instead of making "I" statements, ask open-ended questions to encourage the person to share their thoughts and feelings. This can help you gain a better understanding of their perspective and may reduce their defensiveness.
Why do we avoid I-statements in personal conflict? ›And if you're dealing with someone who's angry or vengeful, I-statements can also backfire, because telling such a person that you feel hurt when you hear mean remarks may just confirm for them that the tactic works—and you've just reinforced the power they have to hurt you.
How do you speak assertively with I-statements? ›Use “I…” statements
Conveying what you feel in a matter-of-fact way provides a non-confrontational solution to get your voice heard and acknowledged. For example, use “When you interrupt me, I feel annoyed.” instead of “You are so annoying when you interrupt me!” Other examples: “I feel hurt” instead of “You hurt me”.
'I statements' help us talk about what we have control of -- our own thoughts, feelings, reactions -- and keep us from attempting to control what we can't -- our partner. 'I statements' increase opportunities for dialogue and decrease the likelihood of defensiveness.
Why are I-statements important in relationships? ›I-Statements give our partner information about us, and they do it in a way that's far less threatening than the alternative: You-Statements. They form the bedrock for cooperation because they connect people, build trust, and create healthier, more open and honest relationships.
How do you express your feelings without blaming? ›To avoid blame, use “I feel…” statements (e.g., “I feel sad” or “I feel lonely”) to own your feelings. Stating our emotions directly in this way, without justification about why we feel that way, can make us feel vulnerable.
What is an example of blaming language? ›Statements including the words always and never, as well as statements like “Nobody understands” and “It is their entire fault,” are examples of blaming statements that prevent people from taking responsibility for their actions or seeking help when facing difficulty.
What are 3 important components to an I statement? ›
The “I Statement” empowers kids with choices over their emotions by giving them choices about their words. New words lead to new thoughts, new behaviors, and new emotions. Here's the 3 Part I Statement : I feel + (emotion) + when + (event) + because + (thought about event).
How do you use I statements in conflict? ›Use “I” statements
Statements that begin with “I”, “From my perspective”, or “The way I see it…” make it clear that you are speaking for yourself. “I” statements focus on your experience, thoughts, feelings, reactions and decisions and not on any beliefs or judgments you may have made about the other person.
- Dig deeper into the character's voice. A first person narration should sound as though it's coming from the character, not the author. ...
- Dig deeper into the character's viewpoint. Really put yourself in your character's shoes. ...
- Include more observations. ...
- Include more inner monologue.
There are four main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.
Can someone see your iMessage? ›Apple iMessage texts can get intercepted by someone close to you using a connected device. There are a couple of ways they can do this. First, there's message forwarding. You can use this feature to forward messages to another device automatically.
What is an iMessage in psychology? ›“I” messages are most simply explained as a way of expressing our thoughts and emotions about a specific experience or interaction using a soft voice and a statement that often begins with, “I feel…” Other examples include: “I'm upset because...” “I get angry because…” “I am excited that…” This style of communication ...
Are iMessages private? ›We designed iMessage to use end-to-end encryption, so there's no way for Apple to decrypt the content of your conversations when they are in transit between devices. Attachments you send over iMessage (such as photos or videos) are encrypted so that no one but the sender and receiver(s) can access them.
What is the technique of I statements? ›An “I” statement is a communication strategy that focuses on an individual's feelings, actions, and beliefs, rather than those of the person receiving their message. This is less accusatory, and it allows for the actual issue at hand to be addressed.
What is an example of a positive I message? ›“I” Messages can also be used to state your needs, values, and positive feelings such as pride or appreciation. For example: “I feel so proud of you for offering to help Grandma with her garden. I love seeing what a kind person you are.”
What is the last part of an I-statement? ›The last part of our I-Statement is our thought, or belief, about the event. This is where we share our opinion about why we felt the way we did.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of IT? ›
Information technology has revolutionized the way we communicate, work, and live. It has enabled us to become more efficient, productive, and flexible. However, it has also presented its own set of drawbacks. The most common disadvantages include threats to cybersecurity, privacy protection, and job loss.
What are the benefits of IT systems support? ›They can work with you to find the best way to eliminate data silos and ensure all critical data is easily accessible across various devices while remaining secure. An IT support team can also help to eliminate paper storage and migrate manual data transcription to automated systems to save time.
What are the benefits of IT outsourcing? ›Outsourcing of IT operations and development has been a hot topic for years. Common advantages of IT outsourcing include scalability, more robust disaster recovery, easier access to subject matter experts, lower costs and being able to focus resources on core business development.
What is the opposite of I hate you? ›'Hate' means an intense dislike. The correct antonym of the given word is option A, 'admire' which means to respect or cherish.
What is the opposite of I love you? ›OPPOSITES FOR love
1, 2 hatred, dislike. 15, 16 detest, hate.
Answer: There are a few reasons why people might say the opposite of what they want to say. Sometimes people do this to avoid conflict, or because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Others might do it in an attempt to be diplomatic or to maintain politeness.
What is the most damaging effect of information technology? ›Symptoms of digital eyestrain can include blurred vision and dry eyes. Eyestrain may also lead to pains in other areas of the body, such as the head, neck, or shoulders. Several technological factors may lead to eyestrain, such as: screen time.
What are 4 negative impacts of technology? ›Children who overuse technology may be more likely to experience mental health issues, including lack of attention, low creativity, delays in language development, delays in social and emotional development, and addiction to these technologies.
What are 3 benefits from using an information system? ›- operational efficiencies.
- cost reductions.
- supply of information to decision-makers.
- better customer service.
- continuous availability of the systems.
- growth in communication capabilities and methods.
Without personal pronoun ('I')
If your paper has your name on it, readers will know they are reading your thoughts and opinions, so writing "I think”, "I believe" or "in my opinion" is not necessary. Simply remove these expressions to make more objective, academic sentences.
What is a good I statement? ›
A good “I” statement takes responsibility for one's own feelings, while tactfully describing a problem.
How do you avoid too many I-statements? ›One way to avoid overusing “I” is to consider how you phrase your sentences. For example, if you are writing sentences that begin with, “I think that…,” simply omit the part about you and make the statement by itself.
Why would a manager use I statements instead of you statements? ›Often in conflict situations, we use “you” statements, which can escalate the conflict by making the listener feel blamed, judged or criticized and which can cause him/her to withdraw or become angry or defensive. I statements, in contrast, are less threatening and send clearer messages than “you” statements.
Why do you want to avoid using I or you in your essay? ›One of the main rules of academic or formal writing is to avoid first-person pronouns like “we,” “you,” and “I.” These words pull focus away from the topic and shift it to the speaker – the opposite of your goal.
When dealing with conflict What should you never do? ›- Focus on personality traits that cannot be changed.
- Interrupt others when they are speaking.
- Attack individuals.
- Disregard the feelings of others.
- Avoid the conflict.
- Allow emotions to take over the conversation.
- Impose your own personal values or beliefs on the situation.
3 Cs: Confident, Clear, Controlled • Confident: You believe in your ability to handle the situation and are composed. Clear: The message is easy to understand and is not exaggerated. Controlled: You are "tracking" the other person and modulate yourself if necessary.
What is the difference between I statements and you statements? ›You-Statements emphasize Blame, I-Statements take responsibility. Starting a sentence with “you” sets the speaker up to focus on the listener's actions rather than their own experience. I-Statements in contrast encourage the speaker to take full responsibility for their feelings and needs.
What are the four types of assertiveness? ›- 4 Types of Assertion.
- Basic Assertion. This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. ...
- Empathic Assertion. This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. ...
- Escalating Assertion. ...
- I-Language Assertion.
At times when we communicate our feelings about something, or what we want from others, we make 'you' statements. These statements imply some kind of fault or blame directed at the other person. Here are some examples of 'you' statements – a. “You're late and the dinner is ruined” b.
What is an example of I language vs you language? ›Another aspect of language that is beneficial during conflict is the use of I-language (e.g. 'I think things need to change') versus you-language (e.g. 'You need to change') (Hargie, 2011; Kubany et al., 1992a; Simmons, Gordon & Chambless, 2005).
What is an example of an I message statement? ›
“I” messages are most simply explained as a way of expressing our thoughts and emotions about a specific experience or interaction using a soft voice and a statement that often begins with, “I feel…” Other examples include: “I'm upset because...” “I get angry because…” “I am excited that…” This style of communication ...
How do you explain I-statements to kids? ›The “I Statement” empowers kids with choices over their emotions by giving them choices about their words. New words lead to new thoughts, new behaviors, and new emotions. Here's the 3 Part I Statement : I feel + (emotion) + when + (event) + because + (thought about event).
How do you speak assertively with I statements? ›Use “I…” statements
Conveying what you feel in a matter-of-fact way provides a non-confrontational solution to get your voice heard and acknowledged. For example, use “When you interrupt me, I feel annoyed.” instead of “You are so annoying when you interrupt me!” Other examples: “I feel hurt” instead of “You hurt me”.
I language: “I felt hurt when I saw you in the restaurant with your old girlfriend when you told me you had to work.” “You never want to hear my side of the story.”
What does I-language stand for? ›I-language (uncountable) (linguistics) internal language: language as perceived and understood in the individual rather than as transmitted and shared in the world or community.
What are the three parts of I-language assertion? ›An I-language assertion requires a description of the other person's behavior followed by how it affects the speaker, a description of their feelings, and a statement indicating what the speaker wants.
What is an iMessage vs U message? ›One way to do this is by using statements about yourself and your feelings (called "I-messages" because they start with "I feel" or "I felt"), instead of "you-messages," which start with an accusation, such as, "You did this (bad thing)," or, "You are (another bad thing)."
How do you introduce an I statement? ›Start with the words “I feel” and add the emotion word and a description of what just happened to trigger the emotion. This is the foundation of the “I statement.”
What is the technique of I-statements? ›An “I” statement is a communication strategy that focuses on an individual's feelings, actions, and beliefs, rather than those of the person receiving their message. This is less accusatory, and it allows for the actual issue at hand to be addressed.
What is an example of an I statement in school? ›I statements can be used by students to let adults know when they need help. For example, they might say, “I feel frustrated when I try to do this math problem.” Likewise, they may say, “I'm feeling overwhelmed because I don't have enough time,” instead of “you are rushing me.”